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Serena & Ash go skydiving --Discussion--

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pokesrini
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Re: Serena & Ash go skydiving --Discussion--

Post by pokesrini on Sun Feb 01, 2015 10:15 am

Great story so far! I like where it is going. However I just want to point out one minor aberration. You seem to have said that Ash has a crush on Serena. Yet they address each other as friends. I'm not sure if you intend to address that later on. But if you didn't have such plans, I think you need to check that Smile But otherwise looking forward to the next chapter!
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Re: Serena & Ash go skydiving --Discussion--

Post by SatoSereFan224888 on Mon Feb 09, 2015 7:24 pm

@pokesrini wrote:Great story so far! I like where it is going. However I just want to point out one minor aberration. You seem to have said that Ash has a crush on Serena. Yet they address each other as friends. I'm not sure if you intend to address that later on. But if you didn't have such plans, I think you need to check that Smile But otherwise looking forward to the next chapter!

Thanks. I had trouble trying to find a way Ash are more than friends. If you can help me try to express I will fix that. Also sorry to disappoint you but this is a 1 chapter story.
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pokesrini
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Serena & Ash go skydiving --Discussion--

Post by pokesrini on Mon Feb 09, 2015 8:24 pm

Oh not at all. I was just giving you a suggestion to improve it Smile

You see, if you want to make them something more than friends, you could show it by showing their thoughts. For example, you could write, "Ash looked on as the sunlight streamed on her almost-golden face. Her honey-blonde hair fluttered in the wind, just as a storm began brewing in his heart. "She's so beautiful..." he thought to himself...."

Get the point? Smile

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Re: Serena & Ash go skydiving --Discussion--

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